apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
