I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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