I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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