I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You need Xanax blowdarts
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
