Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
