I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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