have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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