I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
she told me i tasted like america
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
