What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
