i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
