It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
