here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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