My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
