my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
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