She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
