I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
