My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
