OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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