her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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