I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
