Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
