im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
