I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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