Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
