do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
