So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
