i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
