If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
