She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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