just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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