I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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