so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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