I have demons in me.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
