i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
