o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
