Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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