farters have to be the big spoon...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
