this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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