I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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