i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
