One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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