you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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