Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I checked into jail on foursquare
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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