I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
