I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
