I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I smell stomach acid.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
