And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
