Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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