God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
