i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
